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Let us roast your storefront. Every burn comes with a receipt.
We open your homepage and your public product feed, count what is actually in there, and hand it back as a roast card you can screenshot. There is no language model behind this: each joke is wired to one measured condition, so a line you have not earned can never appear.
Based on publicly available data only. Informational, not legal advice.
What this checks
- How much HTML your homepage ships, and how many script tags are in it
- How many outside hosts the markup pulls files from, and whether a file named jQuery is one of them
- Title, meta description, share image and tab icon — what a browser tab and a forwarded link have to work with
- Images without alt text, and whether the first image in the source is set to lazy-load
- Products in your public feed whose description field comes back empty or near enough
- Carousels, popups, countdowns, scarcity lines and autoplaying video sitting in the homepage source
- Policy pages that are linked but come back as an empty shell, and whether any contact route is linked
FAQ
Is a machine writing these jokes?
No. The lines are written in advance and each one is locked to a specific condition — a count, a missing tag, a URL we fetched. If the condition is false the line cannot appear, and the number quoted in it is the number we measured. The variant is picked by hashing your domain together with that number, so the same page gives the same card every time and the screenshot you send matches the link.
Why do some lines say you could not tell?
We read the page exactly as the server sends it and we do not run any JavaScript. A carousel built by a script after load, or products hidden behind a disabled feed, are outside what a static fetch can observe. Those rows are marked as not seen rather than turned into a joke we cannot back.
What does it refuse to joke about?
Your brand, your products, your market and anything about the people behind the shop. The material is markup, counts and HTTP responses. If the storefront is genuinely tidy the report says so and quotes the numbers that make it tidy.
Laughed, then winced? We do the rebuild.
We are a Shopify studio. The audit is free; the fix is yours to make — or ours to ship.